Thursday, June 1, 2017

Choose to Chance the Rapids


I, like most, live with opposing forces battling within me. I have always been a fairly obedient person. I tend to follow the rules, listen and respect authority, and desire to meet or exceed expectations.
However, there is the other side. The side that has diverse interests and desires that go against the norm. I have a major case of wanderlust, I desire to live a creative and spontaneous life, and I want to buck against what is widely accepted and say, "why?"

These forces tug back and forth like a never ending game of tug-of-war. CONFORM! MEET EXPECTATIONS! KEEP THE PEACE! DON'T ROCK THE BOAT! WAIT, FORGET THAT! I'M UNIQUELY MADE LIKE NO OTHER, CELEBRATE THAT! LIVE ABROAD! GET THAT TATTOO! SAY WHAT YOU REALLY THINK NOT JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR! BE YOUR WHOLE SELF EVEN IF THAT ROCKS OTHERS' WORLD!

Whew, it is exhausting! I'm sure there are a million and one psychological and sociological reasons why this internal conflict exists, but at the core of it all is one nasty four "f" letter word. Fear. What will people think of me? What if I am rejected? What if no one like what they see when I show who I really am? Will I be all alone?

I like to think that I don't care too much about others' approval, but obviously I do. I care about the fact that most people in this word like people to remain in neat categorized boxes.  You are ir/responsible, _____ profession, a mom/ without kids, a wife/single/divorcee/girlfriend, an extrovert/introvert, a good/bad....whatever skill. Dare I say we are all more complex than this? Aren't we capable of growing and changing. Can our interests be varied or even at time conflicting?

I'm actively fighting against this. A battle that surely will be arduous. However, what is the alternative? Each day I'm taking time to dream,  from there come action steps, and hopefully then I'll start to take my unique form.

What holds you back? Where are you feeling like you need to buck against the norm a bit more? 

Monday, January 23, 2017

Settling into the unknown

Recently, a friend of mine recommended that I read Sue Monk Kidd's When the Heart Waits. Kidd's writing is beautifully descriptive as she shares about a season in her life where she was called to wait. The biggest take away is that the only way out of the pain of waiting is settling deep into it. Sounds fun, right? Counter-intuitive?

The image present throughout the book is that of a caterpillar's metamorphosis. A caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon and stays there until the change is complete. There is no rushing the stages of metamorphosis. "It's truly a fantastic mechanism developed by nature, yet while all may seem fantastic on the outside, this transformation looks pretty gruesome deep inside the chrysalis. In short, for a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly it digests itself using enzymes triggered by hormones, before sleeping cells similar to stem cells grow into the body parts of the future butterfly." (ZME Science). In other words, in order to feel the greatest change, we have to enter into the painful and long process of digesting our old self and turning into something new. 

Several months ago I began counseling. I consider myself a well-adjusted person, but over the past two and a half years I've experienced a good amount of loss in different forms. I am no longer teaching - a profession that I am deeply passionate about and felt great success and satisfaction. My husband and I have struggled with infertility - a journey filled with disappointment and loss of a life we thought we'd have. Then there is the adoption - the wait that seems to never end and the ache that won't go away. I found that I was crumbling under the weight of these struggles. I would be able to handle the pain for a period of time, perhaps through telling myself the trite pieces of conventional wisdom that we have all heard - "It will all work out," "It is for the best," "At least you have ___," "Everything happens for a reason." Or times when I was feeling more spiritual I may have been able to cling to God' promises of His goodness. The only thing is, these little nuggets of wisdom weren't helping. They simply weren't permeating my heart. Aside - If you have a friend or family member experiencing some kind of long trial, advice on how to get out of the pain or "band-aid" comments like those above aren't helpful. Just say, "I'm sorry you are in pain. How can I support you during this time?"

My counselor explained to me that all people have a reaction to pain or trauma - 5 F's: fight, flight, freeze, fidget, and faint. She discerningly deduced that I faint. When faced with pain or trauma, I deal with it as long as I can and then I check out or metaphorically faint. She explained that we have to pave a new path in my mind, a path into the pain. She has helped me find my way into the depths of the pain (which goes waaaaayyyyyy deeper than we think), and coached me on how to stay in it. You know what's strange? I began learning how to support myself in the pain and I have begun to feel a positive change. I am not crumbling like I was before. Don't get me wrong, I cry, but I can stay in the place of pain without fear or avoidance.

I am not sure how long I will be wrapped up in a cocoon and when I will emerge. But, I am now confident of this - I will emerge different, better, and with  wings.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:13-14.