I, like most, live with opposing forces battling within me. I have always been a fairly obedient person. I tend to follow the rules, listen and respect authority, and desire to meet or exceed expectations.
However, there is the other side. The side that has diverse interests and desires that go against the norm. I have a major case of wanderlust, I desire to live a creative and spontaneous life, and I want to buck against what is widely accepted and say, "why?"
These forces tug back and forth like a never ending game of tug-of-war. CONFORM! MEET EXPECTATIONS! KEEP THE PEACE! DON'T ROCK THE BOAT! WAIT, FORGET THAT! I'M UNIQUELY MADE LIKE NO OTHER, CELEBRATE THAT! LIVE ABROAD! GET THAT TATTOO! SAY WHAT YOU REALLY THINK NOT JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR! BE YOUR WHOLE SELF EVEN IF THAT ROCKS OTHERS' WORLD!
Whew, it is exhausting! I'm sure there are a million and one psychological and sociological reasons why this internal conflict exists, but at the core of it all is one nasty four "f" letter word. Fear. What will people think of me? What if I am rejected? What if no one like what they see when I show who I really am? Will I be all alone?
I like to think that I don't care too much about others' approval, but obviously I do. I care about the fact that most people in this word like people to remain in neat categorized boxes. You are ir/responsible, _____ profession, a mom/ without kids, a wife/single/divorcee/girlfriend, an extrovert/introvert, a good/bad....whatever skill. Dare I say we are all more complex than this? Aren't we capable of growing and changing. Can our interests be varied or even at time conflicting?
I'm actively fighting against this. A battle that surely will be arduous. However, what is the alternative? Each day I'm taking time to dream, from there come action steps, and hopefully then I'll start to take my unique form.
What holds you back? Where are you feeling like you need to buck against the norm a bit more?