A fresh cup of courage

"The thing that unravels connection...turns out to be shame. In order for connection to happen, you have to allow yourself to be seen, really seen."

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, and love."


            10 years -- 5 years --3 1/2 years --2 1/2 years --1 1/2 years -- 4 weeks --5 days

10 years

On June 30th, Evan and I celebrated 10 years of marriage. We. were. babies. But, man oh, man, I still do. This guy fit like an old shoe from the moment I met him. You are going to have to get over the cliche because it is true - he is my best friend. He is the one I confide most in, trust more than any human, and I genuinely enjoy his company most. I'm quite a lucky gal. Rest assured, it's not all sunshine and roses (just keep reading), but having Evan as my companion in life makes the journey a whole lot sweeter.





5 years

Half of our marriage has been waiting for something very specific, or I should say someone. Evan and I started the journey to adopt in July of 2012. God dropped subtle and then no-so-subtle hints for a couple of years leading up to that point about adoption. We chose our agency, AWAA, first and then the country of Ethiopia (see why Ethiopia). When we began the journey, the state of international adoption was very different. Things were moving faster. We had a projected 18-24 month wait time, but that wait kept extending. The climate of international adoption changing is not necessarily a bad thing. Most don't know (until you are neck deep in it like we are) that there is a TON of corruption in international adoption. Some of the extended timeline is due to addressing these issues, but the rest of the reasons are a bit foggier. Right not, we are officially in our time frame to receive a referral, for the first time ever. However, as soon as we entered in to that window, Ethiopia stopped issuing referrals. Here's where it get's tougher - the Ethiopian government has not closed international adoption, but they have not given any referrals in 9 months. Ethiopian officials are also not answering questions about it. So we are very much in a stuck place. There are many roads to adoption. This is the one that God called us to, and as crazy as it sounds, he has called us to stick this out to the end. If you are asking yourself, why we don't switch to domestic, fostering, other countries, trust not in me, but in the God I love and serve who often asks crazy things and this is one of them. This not the path I would have necessarily chosen.

3 1/2 years

Liv. She is too much and just right. I know I am biased, but this kid is incredible. She is spunky, funny, smart, and unnervingly perceptive. Three is an amazing age, by far my favorite age as a parent yet. Kids at three are curious, discovering and stumbling over language and humor, and are still so stinking cute. She is in school and soaking up everything her wonderful teachers are teaching her. As a former teacher and just simply a very sensitive soul, when she came home and showed me how she can write both an upper and lower case "A," I teared up. I love this nugget so much.

2 1/2 years

Because we are such fans of Liv and due to a general enjoyment of kids and chaos, Evan and I decided trying for kid #2 (or 3 depending on how you look at it) two and a half years ago. We chose the road to adopt before we had any knowledge of whether or not we would have trouble conceiving. Once the wait time continuing to stretch out for Ethiopia, we tried for Liv and BAM! one month later we were pregnant. So, we were shocked when it wasn't happening the second time around. We are healthy, my cycle is like clockwork, and Evan is 5 years younger than me. What in the world? We have done all the testing. In case you are wondering, it's not super fun and it is more than a little emotional. Long story short, there is no good answer for why we can't get pregnant.

So, let me serve up a fresh cup of courage/vulnerability for you - I'm not ok with this. Many of us have unrequited longings, and this is mine. I have prayed, fasted, done a year of counseling, and although I feel better and stronger - I still long. In the quiet moments when there are no distractions, I cry. I am still heartbroken. Strong, but heartbroken. I'm laying this out there because I know I need to for my healing. I know someone else needs to read this so they can say, "Me too." I was listening to a TED talk from Brene Brown who studies shame and vulnerability and she said this, "You cannot selectively numb emotion.When we numb the negative emotions, we lose out on joy, gratitude, and happiness." I don't want that. I noticed that I was starting to miss out on joy again, and it's because I was denying that my heartache was still there. After all, can't I just accept this reality and move on? Apparently, no.

1 1/2 years

A year and a half ago, I stopped teaching. I resigned in the middle of the year (gasp!). I never would have dreamed of this, but the path forward was undeniable, but still painful. I loved teaching and I was pretty good at it. I'm not totally convinced that I won't go back to it at some point, but having more time with Liv right now is pretty sublime. In an end of summer purge, I sold and gave away a bunch of my teaching books which was both tough and oddly freeing for whatever my next adventure will be. I, of course, held on to some of my favorite books and cannot wait to read them to Liv as she gets older (anything Kate DiCamillio anyone?).

4 weeks

Let me tell you about a man named Richard, granddad to me. My beloved granddad passed away four weeks ago from pancreatic cancer at 89 years old. For years, I thought the man didn't age. He was timeless. He had style and personality to spare. He was funny, generous, and always encouraged our dreams. Every Thanksgiving but two in my life have been spent with him, hearing the same stories and laughing at the annual "giving us the bird" joke when the turkey was presented. He savored life, and that is a legacy I wish to continue.

5 days

Irma. We live in Florida, and 5 days ago the largest record hurricane to originate from the Atlantic spanked Florida. This was on the heals of Harvey wrecking the Houston area. It could have been worse, a lot worse. We had minimal damage, were not out of power for long, but the lead up was excruciating. For two weeks we knew it was coming but not exactly where. Fortunately it slowed down, but it did come right through central Florida. It was our first hurricane and I would say we all handled it well with minimal tantrums and tears (I'm talking about me here, Liv was a champ). A beautiful thing that came of both hurricanes are the stories of the helpers and how communities pulled together. During our first step outdoors post-Irma, we saw a neighborhood family whom we have never met and the first thing they said was, "Is everyone ok?" Beautiful.

There is a lot of hard, but sweet sprinkles of goodness too.  I share because it frees me of isolation. I'm sharing because I know someone else needs to hear this too. There is beauty in the ashes, but we need to release the hurts and sorrows, walk through the pain, into the storm in order to see beauty on the other end (Is. 61:3).

Settling into the unknown

Recently, a friend of mine recommended that I read Sue Monk Kidd's When the Heart Waits. Kidd's writing is beautifully descriptive as she shares about a season in her life where she was called to wait. The biggest take away is that the only way out of the pain of waiting is settling deep into it. Sounds fun, right? Counter-intuitive?

The image present throughout the book is that of a caterpillar's metamorphosis. A caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon and stays there until the change is complete. There is no rushing the stages of metamorphosis. "It's truly a fantastic mechanism developed by nature, yet while all may seem fantastic on the outside, this transformation looks pretty gruesome deep inside the chrysalis. In short, for a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly it digests itself using enzymes triggered by hormones, before sleeping cells similar to stem cells grow into the body parts of the future butterfly." (ZME Science). In other words, in order to feel the greatest change, we have to enter into the painful and long process of digesting our old self and turning into something new. 

Several months ago I began counseling. I consider myself a well-adjusted person, but over the past two and a half years I've experienced a good amount of loss in different forms. I am no longer teaching - a profession that I am deeply passionate about and felt great success and satisfaction. My husband and I have struggled with infertility - a journey filled with disappointment and loss of a life we thought we'd have. Then there is the adoption - the wait that seems to never end and the ache that won't go away. I found that I was crumbling under the weight of these struggles. I would be able to handle the pain for a period of time, perhaps through telling myself the trite pieces of conventional wisdom that we have all heard - "It will all work out," "It is for the best," "At least you have ___," "Everything happens for a reason." Or times when I was feeling more spiritual I may have been able to cling to God' promises of His goodness. The only thing is, these little nuggets of wisdom weren't helping. They simply weren't permeating my heart. Aside - If you have a friend or family member experiencing some kind of long trial, advice on how to get out of the pain or "band-aid" comments like those above aren't helpful. Just say, "I'm sorry you are in pain. How can I support you during this time?"

My counselor explained to me that all people have a reaction to pain or trauma - 5 F's: fight, flight, freeze, fidget, and faint. She discerningly deduced that I faint. When faced with pain or trauma, I deal with it as long as I can and then I check out or metaphorically faint. She explained that we have to pave a new path in my mind, a path into the pain. She has helped me find my way into the depths of the pain (which goes waaaaayyyyyy deeper than we think), and coached me on how to stay in it. You know what's strange? I began learning how to support myself in the pain and I have begun to feel a positive change. I am not crumbling like I was before. Don't get me wrong, I cry, but I can stay in the place of pain without fear or avoidance.

I am not sure how long I will be wrapped up in a cocoon and when I will emerge. But, I am now confident of this - I will emerge different, better, and with  wings.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:13-14.

Update on the O haus

In July, the O Haus moved down to Orlando, Florida. It was not the easiest transition, but we knew that God was in the midst of our circumstances. We are now 8 months into our time here, and the winds have shifted. While it was chaotic and emotional in the beginning, we now feel like we are getting settled and God is providing us with a community and more peace. We are even in the process of buying a house!!!

Evan
One of the main reasons that we moved from Virginia was for Evan. He finished up a Master's degree from Virginia Tech in Instructional Design, and in January of last year he began his search for something in this industry. Lo and behold, Orlando is a major hub for the type of work Evan does. He is working for a government contractor designing instruction for Naval battleships. He is thoroughly enjoying his job, loving the change of pace, and the creative challenges of his job.

Jackie
I have returned to teaching 5th grade. The school where I teach is nestled in a community and has some of the hardest working and supportive teachers I have ever encountered. It's been a tough adjustment from teaching in Virginia with all the differences in standards and testing. I regularly struggle with balancing motherhood and working and if this the career for me long term. However, I am trusting that God is using me where I am right now and so I will keep trucking.

Liv
Liv is an adorable package of joy and energy. She is walking, running, climbing, chattering, and bringing smiles to everyone around her. We regularly hear, "She is so happy!" She has been smiling since 6 weeks and pretty much hasn't stopped since.

Enzo
Enzo is adjusting to the role as big brother. He is enjoying Liv's new found ability to throw the ball for him.

Adoption
Since we have been in the process of adoption (July 2012), the wait time has increased 3 times. We are now in the midst of a 36-48 month wait from DTE (the date went sent our Dossier to Ethiopia- March 1, 2013). As of right now that means the soonest we would receive a referral is March 1, 2016 and the latest is March 1, 2017. HOWEVER, wait times are showing a trend of increasing so the wait time is likely longer. It's been hard to continue waiting. It seems like the pregnancy that will not end sometimes. We are trying to find the balance of expectancy while still living in the present. We will be working on some fundraisers in the near future to keep up with the financial demands.

In the wait

I received an email from our family coordinator recently just wanting to check in and confirm the details of our request. I answered all of the same questions as I have before (male or female, possibility of siblings, between 0-24 months). I told her about Liv, and how she brings us such joy,  smiles constantly, and overall is a very laid back girl.

Then, she asked a simple question, "How are you doing in the wait?" Well, I started to respond, and realized that the flood gates opened. I have so many more doubts, fears, and questions than I did when we started in 2012. I don't see this as a bad thing though. I think that this is a necessary process to go through instead of blindly walking through this.

I asked a lot of questions about why the wait is so long, why I don't hear anything about our specific case, and what comes of the orphans that are in orphanages right now. My family coordinator had some great insights, and I've included some of her thoughts below.

Basically, there’s lots of families and lots of children. I can ensure you this is very frustrating for me being in Ethiopia and seeing children who need families and knowing there are families waiting. However, it is mostly the government of Ethiopia causing this delay. We used to have very quick wait times years ago, but now the government is taking very long to sign off on documentation for a child to be cleared for adoption. We certainly support ethical adoptions and examining paperwork. But there’s lots of unnecessary holds. There has been negative adoption news coverage in Ethiopia, as well (one being the Hannah Williams story about an American couple who punished a child to the point of death). We are working to get more positive stories out to the Ethiopia government. But the reality is, there is  A LOT of documentation needed for each child’s adoption and everything takes much longer here. And sometimes, one level of the government doesn’t sign off on a document sitting on their desk for a while. And that document may be a preerequisite for another document. We have had a child sit in our Transition Home for a year before because of paperwork issues.

 

Here is some more information that may help, as well:

 

Included here are links to a couple of blog posts written by our CEO about ethical practices in adoption, especially pertaining to America World.

Ethics in Ethiopia (May, 2013)

Striving for Integrity

 

Integrity in Ethiopia

 

Below talks about how we get referrals and operate in country:

America World partners with several orphanages in Ethiopia.  Before we choose to partner with an orphanage, it goes through a screening process.  America World holds our partners to high standards and will break a partnership should there be any sign of unethical activity occurring.  Many of our orphanages do not strictly work with AWAA, but instead partner with other agencies and organizations, as well. 

 

America World also does their own investigation in each case before making a referral match.  We have specific staff that go to the field and investigate each child’s case.  In a relinquishment case, the staff member goes to the living family member and asks questions such as:

·         “Why did you give this child up for adoption?”

·         “How old do you believe this child to be?”

·         “How did you hear about adoption? Were you coerced into this decision?  Do you still want to give this child up for adoption?”

·         “Do you understand that once court is complete this is permanent?”

 

If it is an abandonment case, our staff goes to the locality of abandonment and interviews the local police and others in that area.  Our staff ensures this information is consistent with the information in the profile and that the case has no red flags.  If there are red flags, we further investigate.

Here is a note from Ryan Hanlon, the Executive Director of Programs:

Response to Book on International Adoption

At America World Adoption, we generally use our blog as a means of updating families on news and updates about adoption programs, training opportunities or other resources. Today, however, I want to use this forum to address some of the misinformation we’ve heard recently about Christian adoption agencies and the movement over the last decade in which Christians around the country have responded to God’s call on their lives to provide a family for parentless children.

A recent book calls into question the commitment, practices and motivations of reputable Christian agencies and the commitment and motivation of Christian adoptive families. This book, which I will not name, and the author have exaggerated facts, and misquoted and quoted out of context Christian adoption professionals.

As a licensed, accredited adoption agency, America World Adoption maintains the highest standards of service throughout our work. America World Adoption is proud of our work in Ethiopia and other countries and have been recognized by the U.S. Consulate in Ethiopia, the Department of State’s Office of Children’s Issues as well as the Ethiopian government for our strong efforts to ensure our work in Ethiopia is ethical, transparent and prioritizes children’s best interests.

International adoption is not the only thing we do in Ethiopia. In fact, we serve hundreds more families and children in Ethiopia every year that are not part of our adoption services. Our agency offers (free of charge) domestic adoption services to Ethiopian families interested in adopting a child. We are proud that we (with the support of our donors and adoptive families) are able to work with the Ethiopian government to provide financial assistance to vulnerable families so that we can prevent their family from breaking apart. In addition, we support nutrition projects, child education sponsorships and many other important projects. In total, we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to support vulnerable families and communities in Ethiopia that is not part of the adoption processes for the families we serve.

In the book I’m referring to, the author asserts that evangelical adoption agencies are trafficking children and willfully separating families at any cost for the sake of finding children for adoptive families. Unfortunately, we all know that many children and families are exploited in this world. However, I don’t think it’s fair to say that evangelical adoption agencies are fueling this problem. It may be true that some agencies have had poor practices or even blindly allowed poor practices to be part of their adoption services – but that is not characteristic of Ethiopian adoption or international adoption in general. We at America World Adoption find unethical and disreputable practices to be reprehensible. 
It’s commendable that the author of the book attempts to raise awareness for unethical practices in international adoption; however, there should be recognition that these practices are not characteristic of international adoption as a whole. It’s inaccurate of her to broadly paint Christian agencies and Christian families as responsible for problems with international adoption. This book does not adequately recognize that many of the organizations that are at the forefront of combatting child trafficking, caring for the poor and supporting family services across the globe are Christian organizations. We thank God for organizations such as World Vision, International Justice Mission, Compassion International, hundreds of other groups and thousands of churches around the world.

There are tens of thousands of children around the world that desperately need families. At America World Adoption we continue to affirm our mission of building Christian families according to God’s plan of adoption. Our hope and prayer is a world where every child can grow up knowing they’re loved by their family and loved by God.

 

Ryan Hanlon
Executive Director of Programs

Ethiopian Adoption Update

We began our journey with our Ethiopian adoption in the summer of 2012. We submitted our Dossier (adoption paperwork) to Ethiopia on March 1, 2013, and since then our wait time has increased to 30-36 months to referral from the March 1st date. So, we are looking at receiving a referral some time between September 2015-March 2016, and this is just the date of receiving the referral not bringing the child home- that is another about 4 months for that. Oye, waiting is tough.

However in November we got a gift to keep us busy. We welcomed our daughter to the world, and have enjoyed getting to know her and this thing called parenthood. I have been asked many times during my pregnancy and after our daughter arrived-  Are you still adopting? Our answer is -absolutely! You see, our story is different than some. We are not adopting because we are not able to have biological children. We are adopting because we believe a call on our lives is to care for orphans. We may have more biological children during this long wait for the adoption if the Lord wills, and we still plan to bring home one or two children from Ethiopia (depending on what or referral says). So doing the math, we may have nearly enough for a basketball team, as my dad likes to say. 

Do we have any update about our specific case? Nope. We know that our paper work is in Ethiopia, and based on our request for 1 or 2 children under the age of 2, we can assume our child is not yet born. This is pretty crazy seeing as there are over 4 million orphans in Ethiopia. The Ministry of Women and Children's Affairs in Ethiopia is working to reform the adoption process and protect children from being trafficked. In every adoption case, there is a check to see if there are any living family members to care for the child. This is the country's and our first choice- stay with your relatives and in your country and culture if at all possible. We believe leaving your country is a last resort, but we believe we are a better alternative than an orphanage. In addition, our agency does a private investigation to insure all paperwork is authentic.

How can you help? Prayer.  Please pray for the people of Ethiopia and orphans around the world. We want to see families restored, and in the very least, more domestic adoptions and foster programs so children can stay in their country in their culture and not in orphanages. We have found a great organization called Bring Love In (http://bringlove.in/). They work to provide homes for orphans in Ethiopia with widows to care for them. 

We still feel blessed by and sure of this calling to adopt regardless of how long it will take. Thank you for your continued love and support for us in this journey. 

News from the O haus

When Evan and I first went through premarital counseling, we were asked when we would want to start having kids. Evan and I both agreed that we would start thinking about it in 5 years. We  enjoyed it just being the two of us, and we have been able to go on some great adventures during the summer. Last summer, we celebrated 5 years of marriage and last year we began the process of adoption. I just realized this connection this week. God reminded me this week that His ways are unconventional but perfect.

Since Evan and I are in the midst of our 2-2.5 year wait time, we revisited the topic of having biological children during the wait, and well.....I'm pregnant. Since the wait is so long, having a biological child does not effect our adoption and we are still on track. The only change is our Ethiopia child(ren) will have a sibling to come home to. The due date is November 19th, and I'm enjoying the idea of "expecting" 2-3 kids (remind me of this when I feel like I'm going to lose my mind).

   

Ethics and adoption- a message from our agency

A recent blog post has gotten a lot of atttention about ethics and adoption. This is such an important topic, and one that any adoptive parent should be very aware of. I respect the way my agency approaches adoption and their response to inquiries about their ethics.

http://adoptedbydesign.typepad.com/blog/2013/05/on-ethical-adoptions.html

May 17, 2013

On Ethical Adoptions

There is a popular blog whose Christian author recently posted about ethics in adoption. The author is an adoptive parent who adopted internationally. I will not name the blog or author, but it was impressive to see how wide-ranging her impact was – our agency was inundated with emails shortly after this blog was posted. There is something to rejoice in here: It’s a truly wonderful thing to know that so many families are concerned about the ethics of international adoption. The blog didn’t mention our agency or address us, but since so many families wrote to us following the blog post we thought it would be helpful to respond.
First, there are a lot of things this blog post got right. The author was absolutely right in noting that adoption processes should not be about adoptive parents’ rights to a child. She is absolutely right to grieve over the abuses, coercions and broken families that have resulted from fraud, lies and corruption. And she is absolutely right to say that adoption should not be motivated by a desire to provide children with a wealthier family. Although there are points on this blog post that we certainly didn’t agree with and wouldn’t endorse, on these issues she is right, and ought to be commended.
At America World Adoption, we don’t believe our agency, our staff or the adoption systems we work in are perfect. We’re not naïve enough to believe that there are not children and families who have been very hurt by fraud, abuses or corruption. We know this has happened to some families and we grieve with you. If there are cases of adoption abuses, our agency stands with other adoption professionals asking for the abuses to be prosecuted. But we don’t want to paint a picture of international adoption as a system that is primarily composed of fraudulent cases. We don’t believe that. We also believe that most of the adoptive families we work with care first and foremost about children. We believe they deeply and compassionately care about those children’s birth families. We also believe that children living in orphanages should have an opportunity to grow up with parents: if birth parent reunification isn’t possible, kinship placements should be sought; if this isn’t possible, domestic adoption should be considered; when this isn’t a possibility, international adoption can be a great, appropriate and God-ordained way of ensuring that children grow up with families. Finally, we want to say, loud and clear, that we unapologetically don’t believe international adoption is a “last resort”. Abusive families, orphanages, foster care, group homes, or growing up as a street child are worse options for a child.
The topic of corruption and fraud in international adoption truly is helpful and hopefully will result in more informed and prepared parents. We hope and pray that this “trendy topic” leads to true changes and doesn’t result in fewer children growing up with parents. It’s possible to continue to improve our imperfect systems and continue to serve children and families at the same time. That’s our commitment and we hope if you have feedback on this subject for how we can do this better that you’ll share it with us.
-Brian Luwis, founder and CEO

Yard Sale!

Come one, come all to the Oster Family Adoption Fundraiser. It will be at our place in Oak Tree on Saturday, May 4th starting bright and early. Also, let me know if you have anything you'd be willing to dontate!

Ethics and adoption

We have been so blessed in working with our agency, America World. I know, though, when going through the adoption process it is easy to get impatient. I found this article by blogger, Addison Cooper, to be very helpful when thinking about adoption. There are also great resources out there for "interviewing" your future agency. I found great questions in a yahoo group file. The interview helped Evan and I decided on AWAA. Our now family coordinator patiently answered 2 hours worth of questions, and she is amazing about returning phone calls and emails promptly (a must in my book!) Here is Addidion's blog post:

Twelve Things You Can Do to Make Sure Your Adoption is Ethical

Watching Beasts of the Southern Wild started me thinking about ethics in adoption. I know I wrote some hard things yesterday. If you're on this site, you probably want to have an ethical, kid-centered, health-building adoption. I want to be a part of making that happen.

Here are some of my gleanings from the online adoption community, and from my own practice as an adoption social worker - twelve things that you can do to make sure your adoption is an ethical one.

Here are twelve ways to make sure your adoption is an ethical one:

flickr.com / Tsahi Levent-Levi

Ask Questions

1. Ask your adoption agency how they find children who need to be adopted.

2. Ask what sort of counseling that they provide to the child’s first family. Is their counseling a balanced representation of all options geared at helping the person make the choice that’s best for them, or is it a one-sided “sales pitch”?

3. Ask whether they still extend full services to women who, after contact the agency, choose to parent their child – or, do they only provide services if the woman says she’ll relinquish, but only provide referrals if she decides to parent?

4. Ask how actively they pursue the involvement of the birth father. Do they seek his input and participation, or do they just do the legal minimum standard of notification and assure you that he “probably won’t show up.”?

5. Ask how thoroughly they train and assess adoptive parents.

6. Ask how they feel about openness. Do they speak of it as a wonderful commitment, or as something that adoptive parents can agree to, but then quickly change their minds on, once an adoption is finalized?

Do Your Research

7. Research the adoption practices in the country you’re considering adopting from.

8. Research your agency – if they’re “for profit” their motivation might more easily be on the side of pleasing the adopting parent (and although that sounds good, it increases the risk of unethical treatment of the birth parents.)

9. Speaking of that term, "birth parent" – does the agency use the post-adoption term “birth parents” for women who are still pregnant? That might communicate an expectation which makes it difficult for pregnant women and expectant fathers to feel like they have the freedom to make whichever choice they see as best.

10. If your agency is non-profit, check out their profile on Guidestar.org and see where they get their funds from and what they do with them. If they’re for-profit, try to figure out how they avoid being driven by profits rather than by people’s real needs. Friends of mine who were considering adoption once told me of a for-profit agency that would have charged them around $25,000 up front, and which expressed a commitment to encouraging pregnant women to choose adoption once they’d expressed an interest in it. My friends ended up adopting through a different agency. They expressed that it “felt like the agency was more on the birth mother’s side than ours,” but that they were comfortable with that balance. It seemed healthier that way.

11. Visit your agency’s website, and read the pages for adopting parents and for expectant parents. See if the message is consistent, or if they seem to say different things to different people.

12. Check out the Internet adoption community. There's lots of insight from all sides of the adoption community. Some excellent articles have been Shannon LC Cate's “Ten Red Flags That Your Adoption Agency Might Be Coercive," Creating a Family's "Red Flags for Unethical Adoption Agencies" and adoptionbirthmothers.com's post, "Is Your Adoption Agency Ethical?"

These are some hard questions - but if you work through them now, you'll be able to proudly share your adoption story with your child. Adoptive parents, birth parents, social workers, adoptees --- I'd love your input. Which questions belong on this list? Which don't really matter? Which should be added?


Find this site helpful? Check out Adoption at the Movies on Facebook.

A day long awaited...

Evan called me today and said, "Guess what arrived?" I knew. The I-171H. Thank you so much to my prayer warriors for your faithful prayers that the letter would come this week. It has arrived at last!

The letter is so formal. It comes from the Department of Homeland Security, and it grants us permission to adopt an orphan and bring he/she into the United States. Even in its formality, I was still moved to tears, "It has been determined that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan(s)..."

Since I got home from work, we have been feverishly working to check and double check our Dossier documents so that we can head to Fed Ex for it to head to our agency, America World, first thing tomorrow. Thank you to my amazing friend, Stacie, who has notarized countless documents for us and put up with me blubbering as she notarized the last document today.

Our child is one step closer. In just 3 weeks all of the work of 6.5 months will arrive in Ethiopia and will lead us to our child (or children). Please join us in prayer for the paper work to be processed smoothly, for the Dossier to arrive in Ethiopia and be processed efficiently, and most importantly for our child (children) that this stack of paper will lead us to.

Oh, I-171H, how you ail me

Evan and I have been waiting for a letter from the USCIS for our federal fingerprinting appointment that will result in the last piece of paperwork necessary for the Dossier- the I-171H. This piece of paperwork is often referred to as the "golden ticket" because it grants permission from the U.S. government for you to bring in a person from another country into the U.S.

I did receive a packet in the mail yesterday from the USCIS office, but it was a rejection notice. Thourghout the process, we have been sure to cross every "t" and dot every "i" and the one piece of paperwork that you wouldn't want to make an error on is this one because it takes so long to get the I-171H from the federal government. Well, we forgot to sign the application. I know there has to be a greater purpose in this because this kind of oversight is not like us at all.

When I called the USCIS office, I made sure that we have everything needed to resubmit and Evan zipped to FedEx and overnighted our corrected packet to the USCIS office in Texas. While I was on the phone with the lady from USCIS, she said the timeframe we are looking at to get the I-171H is 75 days! This is way longer than it has been. If this is truly the case, we won't be able to submit our Dossier until March or April. On the heels of the news that the wait time has increased, this is a tough pill to swallow.

I still hold to the fact that all of this is in God's plan, and His timing is perfect. However, the waiting is so hard. Please pray for things to move faster or for God is bless us with peace with a longer wait time.

Funny video

iPad give away!

We have very generously been given a brand new (receipt in hand) 3rd generation 16 GB white iPad, and we are using this blessing to do a give away!

How it works:

You get entered once for every $20 donation. So, if you give $100, you are entered five times!!!

You can donate online through our Eternal Family Program with our agency, America World. Donate to our adoption costs here. Choose "Eternal Family Program" from the drop down menu and in the notes section, please make sure you write our names (otherwise the donations will not go to us and I won't know you entered). If you'd feel more comfortable mailing a check, please email me for our address.

You can also donate and be entered at our Silent Auction on November  10th 12:00-3:00 pm at 130 Jackson Street in Blacksburg.

Another way to be entered is you can "share" this announcement on Facebook or Twitter. Email if you have shared, and I will put your name in!

We will announce the winner on Black Friday- November, 23rd. I will mail or meet up with the winner to give the give away!!!

Chocolate hair, Vanilla Care

I love this blog. She has amazing tips about how to care for your child's hair. Check out this post:

5 Natural Hair Tips for New Parents

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If you are a new parent, via adoption or birth, and you're not sure what to do when it comes to hair, this post is for you. Not all children find their forever families at birth, so we not only address concerns that people might have with babies, but also the older children that come to us later in their young live...

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Wisdom from our orientation

First of all, the AWAA office is beautiful. It's warm, inviting, and we immediately felt more at ease upon entering. I teared up when passing the cubicals (prettiest cubicals I've ever seen) because there were groupings of pictures of adopted children pinned to the wall. I look forward to sending such a picture to our family coordinator in the future.

Our orientation was splits into 3 sessions- home study tips, trans-racial parenting and attachment, and discipline and behavior.

Home Study tips
We learned that our orientation counts as our first of 3 (possibly 4) home study visits, and that our social worker should contact us shortly to set up our appointments since we have handed in all of our paperwork (pray it's soon!). One visit will be both Evan & I together and the 2nd one will be each of us separately. After the visits are done, our social worker will write up the Home Study. This is the big piece that goes in the Dossier and enables us to get necessary paperwork from US immigration.

We also learned about re-adoption. Re-adoption is not mandatory for Ethiopia, but it good to do because: you can legally change your child's name, get a U.S. birth certificate and U.S. passport. In Ethiopia the child is named with their Ethiopian first name, adoptive father's first name and our last name....kind of funny for a girl.

Trans-racial parenting and attachment
This session was very helpful because it walked us through different scenarios and possible comments so that we can think through how we would respond graciously rather than out of defensiveness. This is going to be a toughy for me. For example: After adopting your child, someone asks "When will you have one of your own?" I realize that a person probably means "biological, " but saying "your own" implies that your adopted child is not your child. Can you imagine the little ears hearing that? Another scenario is when a family goes to the costume store for Halloween and their adopted child from China chooses a cowboy outfit and their Caucasian brother chooses a ninja costume. The person ringing them up says to the Chinese son, "Shouldn't you be the ninja?" Wow, I would really have to fight back a smart comment here. The recommendation was "It's Halloween, he can be whatever he wants."

As far as attachment goes, there were some great tips as to how to encourage healthy attachment including limiting visitors upon return. If you think about it, the child is used to a lot of people caring for them and so they need to learn who are the parents.

Scary term- RAD- reactive attachment disorder. While adopted children struggle with attachment to varying degrees, RAD is a very severe diagnosis. They are now starting to look at RAD on a spectrum (like autism) instead of a cut and dry diagnosis.

Discipline and behavior


What I learned and need my friends and family to know:  parenting an adopted child is completely different. Tried and true parenting techniques (time outs, etc) often don't work with adopted kids because of living in an institution. Also, we signed an agreement not to use spanking, and will not be using that as method of discipline.


Also, for these children food is a big thing. We build trust and attachment by making sure they are fed on time and enough. A lot of adopted children have great anxiety about food because of their past experiences. The idea of waiting 10 minutes for food, is not the same for an adopted child because there is a lot of fear and trust tied up in it. A simple granola bar in hand can build trust that we will not let them go hungry.

All in all it was a great and informative meeting!!